In order to accommodate the special needs of Harvey Updyke—prison will kill him, he says—the Auburn Plainsman’s Opinion section, which is also a bit miffed about the whole Toomer’s-Oaks-are-worth-just-twenty-bucks thing, is going Gilbert and Sullivan with suggestions for his sentencing. “Let the punishment fit the crime,” wrote the famous composers, “The punishment fit the crime.”
Indeed, says the Plainsman, which includes in its list of possible punishments a “War Eagle” tattoo on Updyke’s forehead.
“Auburn fans need something to cover in toilet paper,” the Plainsman writes, “and there’s no reason we can’t replace our leafy trees with a hairy man.”
Read the full column here.
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Love it. Reminds me of a Quentin Tarrantino movie.
You know, “prison will kill him” is just a theory. But we’ll never know ’till we try it… for science.
I still claim his punishment should be to clean JHS after every home game. Keep him inchains along the tunnel so he has to hear every single WAR EAGLE-HEY! Then put him into chain gang mode and make him clean the stadium, rest rooms and all!