It’s hard enough just dealing with the Bama fans in our lives. It’s even harder to shop for them.
So we asked TWER pop-culture contributor War Dame Eagle (read her breakdown of the Auburn alum topping list of The Hill’s “50 Most Beautiful People”) to come up with holiday gift guide for Auburn fans still looking to stuff the stockings of all the cocky co-workers, dirty uncles, and Got 13? girlfriends the Lord has “blessed” us with (and as a gesture of good will to the thousands of Bama fans who read this site).
There are only five days till Christmas! Git ‘er done!
#1 Saddle Purse – I know all the Bama ladies out there have had this problem: there you are hunting, waiting for the perfect kill – you turn to reapply your lipstick/ get a Tic Tac to freshen up from the binge of Bud and pork rinds – and drat! No purse! Now, brilliantly, Bama beauties can have their very own camo purse (with just a hint of crimson – presumably to reduce the chances of their scratch offs and Saban wallet-sizes accidentally being blown to bits). Only $55 for – get this – a 4 pack of camo purses. That is a pretty amazing deal. One for each member of their… book club.
#2 Crimson Tide Toothbrush – You know those terrible pictures of track & field participants getting impaled by javelins? That’s what this little fella reminds me of. Except he’s been skewered by the great wand of dental hygiene. We assume there is a jumbo toilet brush version.
#3 White 10” Butterfly Car Decal – This is really a 2-for-1 type-deal: Sticker for the back of your ride…tattoo template for the back of your hide!
#4 The University of Alabama for Women Perfume – Lord knows a college education is expensive. Your Bama fan needn’t bother with a degree, when they can just have the eau de toilette. Presenting “The University of Alabama for Women.” It is described as smelling like… and I quote: “Candied Pink Grapefruit Sparkling Mandarin and Pineapple Sorbet. Textural Osmanthus Tahitian Tiara Flower White Tuberose and Japanese Honeysuckle glimmer throughout the heart capturing the passion and energy of the Crimson and White while Exotic Bamboo Wood Creamy Sandalwood and Soft Musk linger at the base rounding out this sparkling and captivating fragrance.” My God… well, I guess reeking like a methamphetamine smoothie beats the stench of four years in Tuscaloosa and you can get the essence of that experience for only $60. Sounds pretty good, right? (And if that description was written by a Bama grad, I don’t think they’ll miss much anyway).
#5 Alabama Crimson Tide 14” Wooden Nutcracker – I think you all know what to think about this.
#6 Sabanade T-Shirt – Just because a pun can be made, doesn’t mean it should be (see previous entry). But the pink stain of “victory” is perfect for the Bama fan with a drinking problem.
#7 Houndstooth Hot Shorts – If you’re going to give a gift of underwear evocative of an old drunk’s hat, why not Sinatra Fedora Skivvies or Peter O’Toole Turban Thongs? But to each their own.
#8 Bama Back Scratcher – For the armchair quarterback who may or may not be grafting into his La-Z-Boy. Perfect for those hard to reach itches. Or for plowing through a giant Frito pie.
#9 Alabama Crimson Tide Cheerleader Garden Gnome – What to get for the Bama fan with a green thumb? Why a disconcerting granny cheerleader gnome, of course! With a Mona Lisa smile, small, beady eyes, a heaving chest, and long, gray braids, she’ll be at home in any Bama garden. Also, her shoes look like upturned, untied Converse, so a true piece of art. (In fact, forget the garden, go straight for the mantle with this one!)
#10 Snowman Tailgater Ornament – If the mini martini and wine glass ornaments aren’t your style, then this “24kt. Gold finished brass ornament” (which appears to be painted thus rendering the addition of the gold irrelevant) will look great on your Bama tree. Sure he looks a little doughboyish and seems to be grilling up some delicious nothing – and, of course, the very concept of a snowman near smoldering charcoal seems like a recipe for disaster – but in many ways this 4” bauble offers so much: the color crimson, two elephants … and gold! Nothing says Happy Bama Christmas like a beloved holiday icon tarted up to hawk a team that also cooked up a bunch of nothing this season.
Ah.. ‘Tis THE season, indeed! Merry Christmas and War Eagle!
* Erin Andrews at Toomer’s Corner
* In the time of “Got 13” she was a Tiger
* Gus Malzahn on the Wu-Tang Clan
* Alice Fraasa demonstrates the AU Gang Sign
* The Secret History of an Underground Iron Bowl
Foy Onion says
Isn’t it obvious that the poor snowman is choosing the hibachi hara kiri over the dishonor of being forced to wear such atrocious garb?
I look at the snowman ornament as a metaphor for the Auburn man or woman born to bama parents. He is morphing from the icy static of his crimson upbringing into a free flowing state of orange and blue bliss.
While the commentary is hilarious, it should be noted that the AU Bookstore sells the majority of this merchandise as well. (In Orange & Blue vs. Crimson & White.) Specifically the cologne/perfume and back scratcher, for sure. It also sells a car air freshener that emits “The Official Scent of Auburn University”. Not sure what it smells like, but I hope it isn’t anything that has to do with a “cow college”.
Mongoose — shhhhh.
Hopefully the difference lies in that most Auburn fans do not buy such items (though, sure, the back scratcher isn’t that bad). But the Sabanade shirt — that we do not have.
Does the Sabanade shirt come in Crimson with a white stain? That might be more appropriate for the bammer Saban nation.
I really enjoyed the nutcracker reference to Saban, oh wait… you left that up to us didn’t you. Damn, I just told my thoughts. Must work on that.
You had me in stiches at the “methamphetamine smoothie” mark. War Eagle and Merry Christmas.
those bammers will buy ANYTHING with an A on it…
Mongoose, I think the point is that anything with the bammer logo on it is trashy. Some of these more so than others. Anything Auburn related, however, is awesome and classy and you cannot convince me that believing that is hypocritical in any way mmkthanks. 🙂
I have the Auburn gnome, it looks a lot better than the bammer one because it isn’t female.
Please shoot me before I every carry a handbag like that!