Auburn athletes are always pimping (whoring, whatever) themselves on Facebook. Ben Tate wants me, and everyone, to “like” him. Now, I like Ben Tate, but I don’t “like” Ben Tate, not after repeated invitations (me and 5,000 others) to meaningless meet and greets and days held in his honor. Yep, Ben Tate Day is July 17 in Berlin, Maryland.
I like and respect Ben Tate the Player, but Ben Tate the Public Relation Trainee Gone Horribly Wrong is getting on my damn nerves. Go win Rookie of the Year or make a Pro Bowl or circumcise some Filipinos and then you will be a brand — Ben Tate of the Commercial Appeal.
Anyway, that’s me being prematurely aged. You damn kids and your Facebooks – that was supposed to be a lead into the real story, the primo info, the nut graf, which is that Travis “T-Will” Williams is having an open rap video shoot July 17 (suck it, Ben Tate). That’s not necessarily exciting in and of itself. “Get Low” isn’t a bad song, and I like T-Will’s flow, but the producer used too many effects; it’s all auto-tuney. Give me some gritty, raw sound.
No, what’s interesting, what makes me wish I could attend, is he who sent the invite: David Irons.
This is your boy David Irons. Make sure yall come out to the VIDEO SHOOT for my boy T-WILL hit single “GET LOW.” Awwww man this is gonna be off the chain!!! Ladies where your best bikini or whateva fits a POOL SCENE! THANKS!
He had me at “whateva fits a POOL SCENE!” Not to mention the “THANKS!” Who loves you, ladies? David, but also… Kenny. (Aside: Read this interview and try to not like Kenny Irons.) Kenny and David Irons by a pool full of mostly-naked girls… hide the little people.
Part of the overly-excited, wine-fueled e-mail I sent Jeremy last night:
Rhetorical question: Does it get any better than a day at the pool with the Brothers Irons and pool-scene-appropriate ladies of no doubt dubious and negotiable affection, with the rapping of T-Will sounding in fits and starts as a backdrop, with gyrating and sweat-inducing booty dancing filling the eyeballs? God, I would start preparing for the journey now but my dad’s going to be down that weekend to play golf. Do the world a favor and go. THE QUOTES. SWEET JESUS THE QUOTES.
I think we’re going start a band named Pool-Scene-Appropriate Ladies. First single – “Negotiable Affection.” I am managing, Jeremy’s got the drums, Kenny is singing and David’s got lead guitar. (Publicity contact – Ben Tate.)
In the meantime, if you want to support T-Will (because the dude can rap), listen to the Brothers Irons do what they do, or ogle pool-scene-appropriate ladies, be in Dacula, Ga., July 17.
Ben is a student at Auburn University. Most of his time is spent doing as little as possible, eating, and controlling manageable vices. He will one day graduate with a degree in journalism and maybe find a job. Fingers crossed. Write to him at [email protected]. (Did you read his story ‘The Mysterious Auburn Man”? It was reprinted in the winter issue of Auburn Magazine).
* The story behind Auburn’s contributions to the 1989 “Girls of the SEC” Playboy pictorial
* Recent Auburn grad fighting porn star, others for Charlie Sheen’s affection
* New Jersey man buys Toomer’s Corner for $10,000
* Bama pays professional boxers to beat Auburn for the first time
* War Eagle IV attacks Florida player, Auburn penalized 15 yards
* The Great Bo Jackson A-Day Race of 1984
* Actor named Auburn can’t get gig going by his first name
* Man in Auburn shirt spotted helping Japan dig out
* Auburn football radio broadcast in punxploitation classic
* Ronald Reagan was an Auburn fan
* That time Green Day played an Auburn house show
* Fantastic photos of Bjork inside Jordan-Hare Stadium
* Auburn buses still driving around Phoenix
* The Ten Best Auburn Games That Never Happened
“whateva fits a POOL SCENE.” Priceless.
Go easy on Tate, though, Ben. If I could get my hometown to declare Jerry Hinnen Day … I don’t know, I might pass. But I’d sure as hell think about it.
Also, he ran for 1,362 yards last year. That counts for something.
I’ve actually considered going to Ben Tate Day since it is in driving distance. I also kinda find the Ben Tate PR machine endearing.
Plus, Ben Tate made the page back when it was “Become a Fan” instead of “Like”.
So blame Facebook, Inc. for the… uh… unwanted connotations.
He also has flyers posted all around campus (well, Jimmy Johns and a couple bulletin boards) asking for people to follow him on Facebook. Just rubs me wrong.
Now, if Kenny Irons or Stanley McClover or Quentin Groves had done the same, I’d be all about it. Tate just doesn’t have that larger-than-life personality. So I’m an obvious hypocrite but… uh… shut up.
Auburn or not, this is ‘Eff’in stupid wannabe bullcrap.
I think this was the lamest column I have read on the Reader in a long time.