Editor’s note: This piece hit our inbox in all caps, because @auburnhulk knows only one volume. To make it easier on the eyes, we’ve taken the liberty of toning down (most of) the caps. The grammar and syntax, though, are all the big fella’s.
As reader probably know, Hulk a natural pessimist. Except when come to Auburn football. Hulk cannot help self. Hulk get excited.
Now season approach. Hulk study schedule. Hulk consider opponents. Hulk come to one conclusion: AUBURN SMASH.
To be specific: Hulk predict nine win in regular season.
That mean Auburn beat Clemson, Mississippi State, Louisiana Monroe, Arkansas, Ole Miss, Vanderbilt, Texas A&M, New Mexico State, Alabama A&M.
Hulk sad about three team Auburn lose to. Hulk trade any two other win for win against LSU, Georgia or stupid Alabama. But Hulk try be realistic.
Where nine win come from? From smash. Defense front awesome. Coach VanGorder mustache get four sack all by self. Linebackers hungry. Defensive backs smart. Hulk excited about old-school Auburn defense. Hulk expect shutout or two against puny foe. Hulk expect 17-10 type game against tougher foe.
Low score good. Because Hulk worry about offense. Again, Hulk just keep it real. Hulk know experience lack at quarterback. Hulk know Dyer be missed. Hulk know offensive line still learn.
But Hulk have huge expectation for Lutzenkirchen. Hulk expect him have huge season. Smash all over place. Help out new QB. Same for Blake. Auburn need big play receiver. Blake it. Catch. Smash. Score. Hulk fan.
Hulk also figure offense show improvement as season go on. Hulk expect Coach Loeffler know what what.
Back to schedule. Clemson game might scare Hulk, except nothing scare Hulk. Auburn smash.
Mississippi State, Louisiana Monroe like flea against Hulk. Auburn smash.
LSU pretty good, Hulk admit. LSU probably smash.
Hulk think Arkansas most overrated team in country. Auburn smash. Like Petrino smash motorcycle. Ha. Hulk even amuse self with that one.
Vandy puny. Ole Miss puny. Auburn smash.
Hulk remember Jackie Sherrill. Hulk no like Texas A&M. Auburn smash. Welcome, Texas A&M. Join SEC, get smash.
New Mexico State even punier than Vandy. Auburn smash.
Hulk have bad feeling about Georgia. Hulk sigh and count on worst.
Alabama A&M puniest of all. Hulk almost feel sorry about Auburn smash. Silly game to schedule.
Hulk not have much to say about Iron Bowl. Hulk give anything for Auburn smash. But Hulk not silly. Hulk know task huge. Hulk hope for best.
In end, Hulk happy with nine win. Hulk think 10 possible. But Hulk know seven also possible. Nine pretty good. Fan who complain about nine win need be smashed.
Hulk wish team, fans best in 2012. Hulk close with favorite words: WAR EAGLE! SMASH!
Follow @auburnhulk on Twitter. Smash!
* Bama fan talks Auburn during sex on “Hart of Dixie”
* Human pyramid at Toomer’s Corner!
* War Eagle Moment at the SAG Awards
* Twisted Metal developer is an Auburn fan
* Muhammad Al on the Haley Center concourse
* Playboy in Auburn, 1989
* Who’s the kid with the Auburn shirt in “Return of Swamp Thing”?
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Hulk look little bit like Jay Prosch. SMASH!!!
HULK cool! SMASH!!!
Smiling!!!!! (me, not Hulk)
Alabama State? I think the Hulk meant to say Alabama A&M. I know they are both FCS teams and both in the same conference, but let’s be politically correct here.
Stephen (@walker_stephen) says
This was awesome. Smiled the whole way through… HILARIOUS SMASH!!
He does say A&M. I don’t see anywhere in the article where Hulk mentioned Alabama State. /smashed