In order to accommodate the special needs of Harvey Updyke—prison will kill him, he says—the Auburn Plainsman’s Opinion section, which is also a bit miffed about the whole Toomer’s-Oaks-are-worth-just-twenty-bucks thing, is going Gilbert and Sullivan with suggestions for his sentencing. “Let the punishment fit the crime,” wrote the famous composers, “The punishment fit the crime.”
Indeed, says the Plainsman, which includes in its list of possible punishments a “War Eagle” tattoo on Updyke’s forehead.
“Auburn fans need something to cover in toilet paper,” the Plainsman writes, “and there’s no reason we can’t replace our leafy trees with a hairy man.”
Read the full column here.
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