I have a confession.
I love LSU.
I know, I know. Give me a couple hundred words.
Let me explain like this: Let’s say you’re married. Your wife’s name is Jennifer. Jennifer says to you one day, “Honey, if you never met me would you have dated Kate?” Kate is a mutual acquaintance who lives in the neighborhood with her husband Steve, Steve who smells vaguely of sulfur and looks like a normal-sized version of the lead dwarf from Time Bandits, which is odd, because Kate is pretty and smart and she cooks delicious Mexican food.
“No, of course not, babe,” you say. And you mean it. You do. You’re a stand-up dude. You don’t want Jennifer to have any reason for insecurity, and you suspect Steve is the vengeful murdering type. But, somewhere in the back of your mind, shelved right next to memory of the time you stole $3.25 worth of quarters from Ms. Walter and the realization you found your 47-year-old 3rd grade teacher oddly attractive, is the thought, I would’ve totally dated Kate if I’d never met Jennifer. And then you think, If Jennifer is ever devoured by a pack of roving wild dogs in Moscow, well then . . .
And of course you shut down such thoughts, because you love Jennifer and you couldn’t be happier. No really. Did you see what she did last January? You say, “You’re my girl forever and always.” You give her a little kiss and she saunters away satisfied.
Of course you in no way wish for Jennifer to get devoured by a pack of roving wild dogs in Moscow. That is decidedly not the plan. But you’re a worldly guy. You scan the headlines of the newspaper you’re using to line the birdcage. You took World Studies sophomore year. You know things. You realize it is totally possible that Jennifer will be devoured by a pack of roving wild dogs in Moscow. Just like it’s totally possible Auburn will one day receive the Death Penalty.
And then you’re left with Kate and LSU. These aren’t your first choices. You didn’t pick Kate or LSU. Not per se, as we say. You don’t want to be a fan of either. But a pack of roving wild dogs in Moscow is divvying up what’s left of Jennifer and that balloon-necked children’s nightmare Milton McGregor is one routine traffic stop away from getting caught funneling 34 17 and 18-year-olds Victoryland money. And, dammit, Auburn, the Yella Fella took to using live ammo during his commercials. He’s already killed two personal assistants and an extra, and it’s rumored he crossed the border somewhere near Ciudad Juárez. Which has nothing to do with Auburn football receiving the Death Penalty, but it’s still important for world building purposes. Because the Auburn Board of Trustees is either the Jedi Council or the Legion of Doom. Maybe both. Somehow. I don’t know. Solomon Grundy is the bagman.
And so there you go. What are you going to do? You have to move on with your life at some point. You might even have to admit how arbitrary your choices of Jennifer and Auburn were. Who’s to say we have any control over anything? You certainly can’t control a pack of roving wild dogs in Moscow or Milton McGregor.
So you see I’m not saying I am a “fan” of LSU. I’m just saying I like the cut of Les Miles’ jib and I read this great book by former LSU football player John Ed Bradley called “It Never Rains in Tiger Stadium” (probably the best book ever written by a man named John Ed) and Baton Rouge is 45 minutes from New Orleans whereas Auburn is 45 minutes from Montgomery. I’m just saying if Auburn ever exploded I would change my name, move to Louisiana, and try to marry into old-time Cajun money.
I’m just saying it’s best to be prepared.
Something we Auburn fans should never be prepared for: feeling shame over celebrating an Alabama loss.
Take a look at this picture.
This is our enemy. Our enemy is sad. Our enemy was defeated. Thus, we are happy.
I’m a fair-minded enough person. I consider myself a member of the silent majority champions for civil liberties, free speech, and the rest. I did my time with the Liberal Arts. I read at or above a 5th grade level. I sometimes force NPR upon myself.
But I’m also a person. And this is my outlet for hate.
The insistence that we should not celebrate the loss of an opposing football team — The Opposing Football Team, and the greatest representation of our ideological enemy — is boring and a buzzkill. Please step aside, as I have some celebrating to do. I might even set some personal property on fire in a safe and responsible manner.
Photos via The Birmingham News, Press-Register, and 30FPS.
* Vintage War [Effing] Eagle shirt great for JELL-O wrestling
* Dean Foy celebrates Bama’s loss to Vanderbilt, crowd surfs at Toomer’s Corner
* Mississippi state trooper crashes Tiger Walk
* Top American pale ale first brewed in Auburn bathtub
* Volleyball player commits to Auburn by painting AU logo on exotic tortoise
* Harvey Updyke Halloween costume
* Guy crashes Tiger Walk, gets arrested
* Auburn English professor on “Jeopardy!”
* TWER interviews one of Auburn’s “Girls of the SEC”
* John Travolta in an Auburn shirt
* Auburn grad stars in new National Geographic reality show
* “Glee” star Naya Rivera wears Auburn shirt in FHM photo shoot
Wes G says
Hey I get it! I’ll stay with Jenny until the end. But there’s just something about Kate…..
Auburn Elvis says
I’m Auburn Elvis, and I support this article.
Seriously, that Bama loss was awesome! I especially like how every time they lose, Bammers act like it’s never happened before. Classic.
I know Lutzy and others were salivating at the opportunity to take down an undefeated Tide in Jordan-Hare. OK, I get how cool that would be. But picture this: How much MORE cooler would it be to take down a WINLESS Tide in Jordan-Hare? Let’s dream of that day.
Schadenfreude or Bama losing could only be sweeter if AU was beating them.
Nothing ever good came to Auburn University from a Bama win.
LSU has always been my second favorite team. Something about that also/Tiger, second only to “Auburn men” combined with the closeness of Nawlens gets me.
Great reasoning here and a valid point, however I can’t be a fan of LSU. Due to where I live and other factors, UT is my Kate. It would be more fun to enjoy their ride back to power (however long that might take) than it would be to hook up with LSU who has nowhere to go but down. WDE.
I don’t pull against the Bama team ,I pull against the fans. Many is the day that I have googled “crying Bama fan” only to have the above fella handed to me on a silver platter on flippin NATIONAL TELEVISION. I love the idea that, one day, when this guy is some jackass lawyer in a jackass little town, that he’ll always have it in the back of his mind that he was on national television crying like a bitch.
Pretty sure Kate has VD.
Dave is right. And his assessment probably applies to every SEC and PAC 12 team.
You’re all over this Ben. LSU is definitely my Kate, always has been. You better believe I was celebrating bammer’s loss, like went to the trift store to buy an LSU shirt celebrating.
I won’t wear it again Auburn, just that one time, I promise. You’re my number 1.
Auburn Elvis says
Lawyer?!!?! At best that kid’s a future Assistant to the Regional Manager.
While I can’t get down with Kate or the purple & gold equivalent, I’d like to point out that you’d be much happier in Lafayette, LA than BR in your hypothetical.
Pudd knows. I’ve seen the pictures.
The only good thing in Looosianna is the food. I agree, Kate has VD.
I think you would have to go to the ACC to get close to AU.
Mac Mirabile says
Great piece, Ben. Entertaining as always. As a New Orleans native, I’d never have considered LSU b/c I wanted to a change of scenery for college. That said, if I had grown up in Montgomery, I’d probably have ended up at LSU. 🙂
Kate probably does have VD and she for sure is a raging, violent, alcoholic bitch who might make you happy for one night but would ultimately throw your life into something you wouldn’t want it to be, like a man who is forced to wear purple and mustard yellow. Not to mention that your clothes, your car, your kids, and everything else you own in this world would smell like corn dogs for eternity. No thanks.
If the Good Lord Almighty in his divine wisdom decided to take Auburn, ahem Jennifer, away from me because He realized that a man should only be as happy as she makes me when he gets to heaven and not a minute sooner, then I think Ole Miss Molly would be my second choice. Her hometown is beautiful, small, and southern. She has good taste in music with some of the best blues in the world nearby. She is classy, even though some in her family can be racist, but they’re working on that.
She would be no Auburn, but of course, nobody could.
I live in Gainesville, so UF is my Kate, but I may just stay single and mourn if Jen is devoured by dogs. Also, can’t forget the LSU site “as the plains burns” I want Kate to beat the hell out of everyone else, but I’ll never trust her.
Someone has been watching too much Oprah. As an AU grad, it stops there. No LSU, no UF, nobody-get it? I might pull for GT on occasion since I grew up going to their games but leave the sidewalk fandom to the other state team.
Find a nice pro team to get behind-Carolina seems nice for example.
Was watching the game with a friend here in Denver who has no clue about SEC, and she was laughing so hard at crying dude. I told her that after Bama losses — and in some ways all SEC teams big losses — the men cry and the women want to fight. Or at least want their men to fight after they start one with their mouths. Maybe it’s the bourbon, I know it is the disappointment of losing, but I’ve seen it so many times after these games. Crazy.
As far as Kate, she’s one fun crazy chick, but I’d never date her seriously. Jenn gets death penalty, I’d be all over the new girl from Mizzou.
What about the chick from Nashville? Her dad is LOADED.
Michael Val Hietter says
ALl this talk of Kate and VD has me remembering that old 1970’s public service announcement:
(who is amazed at what kind of stuff sticks inside his head!)
Georgia used to be my Kate, but after she abused me the way she did last week, I am inclined to walk away from that relationship. I always had fun when I went to visit her at first…but inevitably things have turned ugly, the past few times.
Also, your analysis on why we should want Bama to lose is brilliant. I got so sick of seeing bammers continue to cry just because we were relishing in their loss. It’s called a rivalry…Bama just forgot what that word means because in their make-believe world, Bear Bryant is still alive, mullets are fashionable, and no one can compete with (much less be a rival of) the almighty king of football, ROOOWWWW TTTAAAHHHHD Alabama….oh, and in make believe world, they really do have 13 NCs. And Trent Richardson has had those suits since high school.