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AU Vet Report: Pooches Pained By Tide trappings

Folks, a disturbing new study from Auburn University’s College of Veterinary Medicine has uncovered a growing phenomenon in the state … Crimson Tide garb and merchandise placed near the family pet has an adverse affect to that pet’s well being! (i.e. It’ll make your pets sick ya dingbat!)

This surveillance photo from the lab confirms it:

This dog is sick. Sick and angry from whatever foul emissions are wafting from that crimson-and-white rug. It burns his hide. Literally.

Dr. Martin Van Nostrum’s report will be released in the upcoming issue of Barners of Biology Bi-Monthly. We here at The War Eagle Reader learned of this study and were given an executive summary of the research.

The following images are not for the squeamish. Dr. Van Nostrum would like to note that all test subjects signed on to the research willingly in the name of Auburn science and were given cookies and belly rubs from lovely warm-handed co-eds as a stipend. But the poor animals and researchers did not fully know the repercussions.

What follows is a list of lap … er … lab subjects and the observed adverse reactions from wearing Bama gear. God help us all.

Subject No. 1716, “Tammy,” experienced problem flatulence while wearing this sweater.

This poor dog. “Skipper” experienced extreme nausea almost instantly from wearing multiple articles of Alabama clothing.

Subject 1989, “Millie,” showed signs of depression and a deep sense of loss and abandonment.

“Jack” turned to the liquid embrace of alcohol and narcotics in less than a week after wearing this hat. The dog’s look of disdain was noted in the research.

The sad case of Subject 7533. The current whereabouts of “Mike” are unknown after his escape from the lab.

The research team turned to Subject 9090 to carry on the elephant costume research. “Gretchen,” like “Mike” before, constantly fashioned nooses from rope toys. Also experienced “jimmy legs,” “phantom booze shakes” and loss of sleep.

This poor creature was a large, impressive specimen before being dressed in this elephant costume and placed in a houndstooth chair for a day. “Johnny” withered down into this animal in mere hours. The research team recoiled in horror.

The test subject experienced severe case of “evil eyes.” “Candy” could cook a turkey at 10 paces with her unholy gaze.

“Hunter” experienced extreme states of “billcurritis.” He led the Crimson Tide to a win over Mississippi State in a lab simulation. But the poor hound scared easily around bricks.

“Sandy” constantly ate grass and had uncontrollable bowel movements when put in this particular jersey and the keyword “McClover” was uttered from the scientists.

Keep Reading:

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* Hit Stanley McClover in the face for discounts!
* Playboy in Auburn, 1989
* Ronald Reagan was an Auburn fan
* Who’s the kid with the Auburn shirt in “Return of Swamp Thing”?
* Mates of State’s Jason Hammel talks football
* Pat Dye responds to ‘loudmouth’ allegations from 1959
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* The Great Bo Jackson A-Day Race of 1984
* Actor named Auburn can’t get gig going by his first name
* How Fraternities Work
* That time Green Day played an Auburn house show
* Fantastic photos of Bjork inside Jordan-Hare Stadium

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About J.M. Comer

J.M. graduated from Auburn in 1998 and again in 2000 with bachelor's degrees in English and journalism. He is currently a copy editor in Washington, D.C., and lives in Baltimore, Land of Pleasant Living. If you find yourself in beautiful Baltimore, he recommends Faidley's crab cakes, a stop at Atomic Books, an O's game at Camden Yards and plenty of Natty Boh.

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