My suggestions for the Auburn football fan still looking for a Halloween costume:
Chris Todd — Robot-armed Everyman
Glue some robot parts (take apart a vacuum cleaner or something) on your arm and then spray the entire thing with silver (non-lead based) paint. If you’re going as post-Tennessee Todd, make sure to bring along some WD-40. Also make sure you under throw every item possible — beer, trash, small animals. Flirt with the hottest girl present. Make sure she knows you are quarterback at a large SEC school. Girls like that. It implies you might someday have lots of money. Girls like money. And status. Also confidence and brute strength. Make sure to choke the biggest guy there with your robot arm. Blame your arm if it doesn’t work out. “This arm of mine just has a mind of its own…”
Gus Malzahn — Misanthropic Jedi Master
Wear an Auburn visor, glasses, a flowing brown cloak and carry with you a large stack of papers lovingly labeled “Ole Miss: The Plays.” Talk to no one. Do the “These are not the droids you’re looking for” thing whenever slutty lumberjack and her friend Tickle Me Aubie come over. As Auburn offensive coordinator, you have much more important work. Like figuring out why Robot-arm Todd is instructing the geisha on the subtleties of the jet sweep.
Gene Chizik — Chief Coachspeak
How’s your drink? “Not the best, but it’s working hard and that’s all I ask.” What do you think of that girl? “She is approaching attractiveness. She’s not there right now. She’s real close. Maybe another year or two with an enhancement here and there. I know she is working hard.” Make sure to scowl often and talk about how great the party was before you even got there. Those before made it great; you’re just here to keep it that way. Also scream “Navy Nightmare” while pulling down the pants of everyone wearing blue.
Antonio Coleman — Strategic Genius
Wear a cape, top hat, and carry dueling pistols, because before the night is over a duel is going down. Lurk on the edge of conversations. Play everyone against everyone. Lie, cheat, steal, mislead. Be unpredictable. Kiss strangers. Punch animals. Act the fool. Say less and more than necessary. Use smokescreens. Commit a Clue-style murder. Break-up a marriage. Perform a eulogy. Rob a liquor store. Sack Robot-arm Todd. Laugh like a maniac.
Bonus: Kenny Irons — Baggage Brigand
For help with your costume, go here.
[…] Ben Bartley offers up high hilarity a la costume ideas for Auburn fans. In response to seeing it posted with the classic Brandon Cox costume shot, he writes: The Brandon […]