Home / Columns / Plea to Tigers: Unleash Metal Mania Upon the ‘Eers!

Plea to Tigers: Unleash Metal Mania Upon the ‘Eers!

Last year, the venom in Morgantown, W.Va., directed toward us visiting Tiger fans caught me off guard. Sure, I’d heard stories about a lot of West Virginia Mountaineer fans being jackasses to visitors, but I was not really expecting anything when I visited their home turf. There was no history of bad blood between the schools because it was the first time they’d ever faced each other. So, you know, I thought there would be fun times for everyone! A lil’ ribbing. A lil’ kidding. “What’s a War Eagle? I thought you were Tigers.” (Real comment, of course. Sigh. Everyone thinks they are so witty and the first to ask.) A typical observation from Auburn fans: “Aggghhh! Is that a hairless bear or your wife working the grill?!?”

(See my writeup from last year for more on how this turned out. Long story short: Not so great.)

Big Sexy gave the Mountaineer superfan a little taste of the tiger before last year's game in Morgantown.
Big Sexy gave the Mountaineer superfan a little taste of the tiger before last year's game in Morgantown.

But, as “Brick” pointed out to me in the comments section of the story mentioned above, it seems that the Mountain Fans in Yellow maybe harbored some lingering bitterness about Auburn’s defensive coordinator last year, Paul Rhoads. You see, Rhoads was part of the reason (a large part) the Mountaineers choked away their chance to get to the national championship game in 2007. That year, Rhoads was the defensive coordinator for the unranked Pitt Panthers and those fine feisty felines strutted onto the field and smothered the Mountaineers at the end of the season, 13-9, dashing the ‘Eers hopes for glory. Good for the Panthers! Go Pitt!

After the “Backyard Brawl” in 2007, it was the beginning of the end of Rich Rodriguez’s tenure as head coach at WVU. You know the rest. And you certainly know how bitter the Mountaineer fans were about Rich Rod’s great escape to the University of Michigan. Well, that bitterness still sits in the pits of those poor fans’ stomachs. It festers still. Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask ’em about it when you see them this weekend?

Back to that evening last year, as I entered Milan Puskar Stadium, an impressive sight, all the fans were out in full-throated force and showing their yellow with pride … and that was just their teeth! (rim shot)

But seriously folks …

It’s payback time. And not just on the field. Are you going to the game? Good. I need you to do something for me, Auburn fans. Kill them with kindness. Show them the way. You already do it anyway when visitors come to the Plains. But I need you welcome the Mountaineer fans, be annoyingly nice to them, watch our boys in orange and blue beat their team into bloody submission, and then take them by the hand, pat them on the back, and show them the way back to their coal hole in the mountain.

(Have you visited West Virginia? It’s like the swine-filled underside of Bartertown in “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.” I think of Master Blaster sitting on a pile of coal, screaming “Embargo on!” whenever the coal companies in that state start talking about how coal is the lifeblood of the U.S. economy. But I digress.)

Some sort of cheetah-leopard-tiger-type thing is gonna rip your face off mountain dudes!

Also, I’m sick of Auburn losing out-of-conference, home-and-home series to other BCS conference teams. There. I said it. USC and Georgia Tech are still fresh in my mind. It has got to end this weekend! I’d love to see that, truly, this aspect has changed on the Plains with the new coaching staff.

I’m also ready for West Virginia University to have its little streak of five wins over SEC opponents ended this weekend too. It makes no sense how they have skated along for so long without an Good Ol’ Fashioned SEC Thrashing.

And the thrashing shall begin with a first half fit of Tigers Metal Mania this Saturday! Let me adjust my Viking Helmet of Chaos and Destruction here … OK … ahem … Unleash the Iron Tiger! Unleash the fury of the Eagle of Death! Who wants to live forever? DIVE! DIVE, my Hawkmen!

The first half of the game shall be entitled thusly: “Lightning Strikes”!!!!

Won’t you listen ‘cos I’m at it again.
Lightning striking and on that you can depend!
They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice.
Gods of thunder sit and watch the event!

Hell yeah, Ozzie! Unleash the Man of Lightning! You can depend on RB Onterio McCalebb hitting the ‘Eers like the hammer of Thor!

Rockin’ all night rockin’ all night
Until the lightning strikes again.
Rockin’ all night rockin’ all night
Until the lightning strikes again.

By Dye’s Pants! The lightning will strike twice in the first half. It will be glorious.

And when you mountain dudes try to answer, you’re gonna look like a cheap imitation, you know? Like a cover band called Not Guilty (heh heh, what kinda name is that?) from Jackson, Miss. trying to cover Ozzie. But you can’t cover the lightning man! No way man! You’re gonna look foolish when you try to hit that high note dude. Did you find your whammy-bar harmonic skillz in that old coonskin cap you’re sporting? ‘Cause it stinks, mountain dudes! Your lead singer is gonna be wearing a … what is that … a lab coat?

And then there was a brief gentle period of silence, the eye of the storm passes and then …

The second half shall be entered into the Tomes of Football Lore as: “Blood and Thunder”!!!

It gets worse for the ‘Eers here. The metal is unleashed, dude, in a righteous fashion! The pace quickens!

Split your lungs with blood and thunder
When you see the white whale!
Break your backs and crack your oars men
If you wish to prevail!

The time comes for a nose-grinding effort to put away the ‘Eers. Bend your backs men!

The Iron Tiger of Thunder takes the field. In his eyes? Madness lies.

Smash them, Ben “Thunder” Tate. Smash their exhausted, torn bodies on the rocks. Run over them. Let the blood flow.

And when the game ends, hold your helmets aloft Tigers. Let them gleam victorious in the lights of Jordan-Hare.

About J.M. Comer

J.M. graduated from Auburn in 1998 and again in 2000 with bachelor's degrees in English and journalism. He is currently a copy editor in Washington, D.C., and lives in Baltimore, Land of Pleasant Living. If you find yourself in beautiful Baltimore, he recommends Faidley's crab cakes, a stop at Atomic Books, an O's game at Camden Yards and plenty of Natty Boh.

Check Also

The AU Wishbone Podcast: Bunker Buster

Van and John discuss the search for Auburn’s new offensive coordinator and the hiring of …